Searching for God in the deep.

I found him somewhere I have never paid attention to. I found him somewhere so negligible.

I didn't find him where I was told he can be found. I'd
say, I find him where I was told he was but the personality I found there was very scary.


I saw a God who was to be feared at all times and would never tolerate any nonsense. I saw a God who was only interested in the more good things I am doing or have done.
I saw a God that I'm deeply scared to worship or run to. And when I do something wrong, the guilt doesn't leave for a long while.

I want to be so remorseful to the point I would punish myself and when things are not going fine as planned, I remember my sins and concludes that God was punishing me for the wrongs(wages of sin)

I kneel down to pray but I'm not convinced I am praying aright. This feeling and picture of talking to God like a daddy keeps playing in my head but I have been taught to shout and sometimes disturb my neighbors with my tonality in the bid to fulfill the part of the scripture(the violent ones takes it by force or Jesus prayed till his sweat became blood)

I have also been taught to use capital "H" when addressing God(He, Him). Oh, the guilt I feel each time I use small letters(the Bible handled this differently)

I get to the place of service and all I want to do is worship, praise and listen to him not to some packaged words. My soul kept searching!

I walk on the streets and all I want to do is to appreciate the uniqueness of everyone and show them my own bit of love.

I want to visit the club house not to preach to them but to practice the art of love. To love them for being bold enough to live their lives even when it doesn't make a single meaning. Appreciate their 'sexy' dance steps, cheer them up knowing that one day, the whole thing would make a meaning.

God saw the first day they started out on this perceived wrong path. He was and is not just looking.
Something tells me that *he is taking them through a PROCESS*

I want to be able to look at the perceived evil people and not judge them but just to celebrate the wisdom of God in them knowing that *Nothing happens without God's consent*! And that all I owe humanity is LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

When I found God, I discovered he wasn't the same guy people and environment taught me he was. I found a more amazing father who is willing to take me all the way.

I found a friend who I can confide in.

I saw a God who is interested in my originality, willingness to learn and openness. I saw a God who knew my flaws and wants to see me through it all.

I saw a God who wants to sit with me and discuss even in open places. I saw a God who cherished every moment I spend with him.

I saw a father who wants me to treat him like a father and play with him like a daughter.

I stopped seeing God in the cloud and the sky. I saw him inside of me!

I saw a guy who wants to kiss me on my forehead when I'm lost and tired. Not because he doesn't have an answer for me. Some answers are better given by silent acts.

Why do I have to keep living in perpetual fear because of what I have been made to believe? Can God speak to me? Yes!

Would he speak to me right away? Yes, he will.

The best gift I have found to self is: finding and building a beautiful relationship with the father such
that my convictions are God taught not packaged taught.

What sort of relationship are you in?


Esther Bliss
©2017