Real Life Series - Part 1: When the chips are down

I remember crying nonstop that night till I fall asleep. You know that sort of cry you woke up from sleep and continued crying like you never slept?

Well, that was the scenario that played when it finally dawned on me that my confidant, my best friend, my "husband" is dead.

We just finished having dinner and he excused himself to use to toilet. The typical him preferred to poo in the bush instead of the toilet.

Less than 5 minutes later, he came running and fell right in my young arms. The next 2 hours, I was going to spend it trying to resuscitate him.

He was the best friend I had. I told him everything including how someone in the family has been making attempts to rape me.

I gave him all the milk, malt and red oil in sight hoping something would change, it got worse. Then I resorted to praying.

I took my Revised Standard Version bible, I quoted scriptures, I prayed, I cried, I spoke to God in ways I feel He would hear and answer me but.... There was no improvement.

Then, I cursed, I was bitter at God! How on earth would He take my dad at a young age, terrible relationship with my mum and now, the only person that would listen and encourage me. That man completely believed in me and encouraged me.

I felt like I can own the world with him around and just when I have not started at all, death took him!

He taught me how to be the best in farming. When you come to my farm, it is usually different. The crops, animals and so on well groomed and in shape.

My granddad taught me to be independent. How in the world am I supposed to survive without him?

I disowned God and told Him, "you know, I have always heard a lot of good things about you but how am I suppose to keep believing when you can't keep him alive for me?

You have taken all that matters to me, I cried out in pain. 

I remember picking up the kitchen knife to stab myself. What do I do from this point?

Who would teach me to make money and pay my school fees? Who would stand with me when people are trying to talk me down? Who will call me his "wife"? 

I miss him a lot..... sincerely I do.